CH3-CH2-O-CH2-CH3

I think you read this blog more to be in contact with me and my journey than to involve yourself with some of the content I put on here.

But you see, that which I am experiencing and learning here is not always what I feel comfortable sharing in such a general forum. I don’t feel like typing the story of stalking a mother deer and her three fawn in Glacier National Park, only to realize that she was letting me stalk her, within 5 feet (the fawn, however, were not having it); and then learning later that BM had not only stalked that same doe earlier, but then had her close the space between them to pet her. I don’t feel like typing it because it is hard for me to feel like I am giving the experience it’s due credit; and it is difficult to know that my timing is right, as I view the circumstances surrounding the delivery of the story as important as the events in the story itself sometimes. I have to choose what bits to take out of context and deliver here. But when I still don’t even know what exactly happened, and when I have dozens of pages in my journal regarding these past few weeks, I am at a loss for what to write here. The house fire and the ski incident-those were easy to write about. How do I share what the robin told me as it perched near me in my quest last week? Much of it I don’t feel like I need or want to share. If you really want to know what that robin said, then you too should go sit, for days need be, and you may very well find out. But what about the projects I’m completing or working on? If I wish to share it with you, then I want you to feel it, to really hold it and sense what may’ve gone into the creation. It is as medicine that I wish for you to taste, and a picture does not always allow for that sacredness. That’s one reason why my second bow has not appeared here. That is why my beaded medicine pipe bag is not pictured. As we know, it’s not so much the experience as it is the understandings gained that counts. So too is it the principals learned and skills honed that is at the heart of these teachings and skills, not so much the finished product itself. It is my goal to live my life in a way that illustrates what I learned here more than any picture could illustrate. This in itself requires much consideration and intention. How do I make a smooth transition from my life here to my life in Indy? It may still be easier to answer this question after a 6 month program rather than a week long course in NewJersey; but learning to keep that balance is still difficult. I am not necessarily looking forward to returning to 40 hour work week; as much as I love most everything about my job (particularly the folks I am around), I don’t love the requirements of being a month to month wage-slave. This capitalist system is not set up for following passionate impulses. There is a great part in the movie “The Great Dance” about a hunter/gatherer tribe in africa where a man is talking about how it is to live as a tracker (as they nearly all are) and he mentions that if you call on your friend to come over, or have a meeting planned, and on his way over he sees a set of fresh tracks, well….you’re not going to be seeing him that day. I want the freedom to get re-routed on the way to work, and not have to worry about it negatively affecting others. It seems to me that this is the natural way. That’s how this course has largely been run, and I want to bring that more fully into my daily life. That is why I am hesitant to be pegged down sometimes. As I get better at following inner urges and re-awakening my natural curiosity, I get worse at being “on time. ” But as my timeliness may worsen, my timing will get better. As Gandalf put it: “a wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.” As tolerant as my employer is, I don’t think that this would be adequate reasoning. That being said, the program is coming to an end, the transition back home has begun.

Current Tunes: BeeGees “Love you Inside and Out”

Ænema

overture

“This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it, or their revolutionary right to dismember or over throw it.”

-Abraham Lincoln

Jai guru deva om

I really haven’t felt so much inclined to keep up with this thing recently, but after the previous weekend there is no way not to share some of my experiences. We had been given the opportunity to help with a two day program on a reservation in Northern MT and several of us took it (just so happens that there is some awesome turkey hunting nearby.) Not only was it a very rewarding experience to ignite passion in some 4/5th graders (literally, with bowdrill) but all of the elders and native facilitators were amazingly nice, as well as supportive of, and grateful for, what we were doing. They also readily stuffed us full of fry bread and fresh dried elk meat. That evening was a short drive over to the base of the Bob Marshall Wilderness, back up into the woods onto some property that butts up against the densest grizzly population in the world. After a wander that involved tracks of the local grizzly, black bear, mountain lion, plenty of deer, the howling of wolves, and turkey walking right by us (without weapons in our hands of course) we got stuffed and bedded down. Tons of thoughts and ideas had been triggered by that day’s multitude of amazing experiences, but as beat as I was I put off the journaling for later and just lay there. There are several well built buildings on this property that definitely fit the definition of cabins, but are also nice enough to feel like a bit of a small resort as well. It was very gracious of the owners to allow us to stay in these private cabins and I was filled with gratitude for the days experiences, the raw wilderness that surrounded me, and the comfortable bed beneath me. This wave of gratitude and feelings of universal support was to end up being the repeating theme of the weekend. After another day with the kids, being stuffed again, and being invited back anytime, we left to head over to Washington State. One dead marmot, many laughs, and several hours later we were hunting turkey again and our two day long enchantment with the land we’d been exploring and driving through was only magnifying. By nightfall we were guests at another back-in-the-woods property that also had several large wooden buildings and was built as a spiritual retreat house. An amazing couple welcomed us with a big bowl of fruit and a cake the wife made just for our arrival. We sat up late talking and then headed up to the retreat house and again got ready to bed down. I just looked around and was, again, overcome with feelings of gratitude for the hospitality of these strangers that only knew us through a friend’s brief connection. And again, I lay in a wooden structure nicer than any house I’ve lived in, filled with natural beauties, books, and resonating love left behind from dozens of folks that have also stayed here and helped nurture that healing and simple space….just as the other property had. You just feel like you’re doing something right, and this is really what community feels like when, at every turn, every coincidence, every step you take you run right into bliss. The universe: every tree, person, house, and sunset seems to have conspired to capture your attention with the perfection of the unfolding of your journey. Filled with feelings of thankfulness that seem difficult for me to fully express, one feels ultimately supported by everything around them. Riding on this much needed wave of fascinating experience, I felt as though an important shift had taken place and bumped me out of a lull I’d been experiencing. The whole weekend had seemed quite long and covered so much terrain and included so many experiences that the mind was pleasantly reeling a bit….eager to process through writing and that easy Sunday evening contemplativeness that I love. As I walked into my house this evening I found quite a large box waiting for me and I knew it had to be this care package people have been asking if I’ve yet received. My lord, what a way to come home! I eagerly opened it and started exploding the contents over the living room floor in front of my housemates. They were nearly as surprised as I was at all of the different intriguing and thoughtful items stuffed into that box. I excitedly told them why “this is why I love Indy!!” and started telling them who sent these different items (as they’ve heard plenty of stories and know plenty of names) and why that item wasn’t necessarily as random as it seemed. I recall Lnor mentioning (before I left) that she was going to get one together and that when it arrived everyone was going to know why Indy is the Heartland. She didn’t use those words at all, but needless to say, nobody else has received anything like this from their group of friends. I was beaming! I didn’t know what to do, I looked through everything, then left it on the floor and just walked around. Like a little kid, I had so much energy that I didn’t know how or where to direct it, as it was all given to me to use as needed. The support does help a lot, and the box arrived at just the perfect moment. It was seriously like my birthday and Xmas combined. It reminded me of a lot of things, and the thoughtfulness and time that went into it all was touching. It was exciting to pull things out and think about who they were from, as everything had a particular “signature” to it. I think I counted no less than 9 different individuals that contributed, and that was a quick count. I was trying to read some of the letter written on the box itself, and I got a call from my Grammie (my mother’s mother.) Even though I wasn’t a mother, she said, she figured she’d still give me a call and wish me a happy mother’s day. Their phone got passed around to my two aunts as well, and as excited by the previous weekend and opening of the care package as I was, there was more yet to come as it was wonderful to touch base with some kinfolk. They too all sent me their love and as I hung up I really didn’t know what to do. I shared as much with my housemates as I could, but after many hours of driving they were exhausted and could only take so much more of my talking….as we had all been in confined quarters for 4 days in a row (not that I am really all that talkative.) Now, after a full meal, a nap and a shower, it’s time to process a bit.

I had been thinking all weekend about how wonderful it would be for us to have some collective land, as many of us have talked about. I had plenty to study, as I was at two properties that had this secluded space, and a fairly steady stream of like-minded, high vibration individuals that came through, and around a tribe of natives that operated as (and really was) a huge family. I was humbled and honored at being involved in all of this, and then only to come home to my own! It is sometimes difficult to remain tangibly connected to everyone, but I realized that what I want to happen on our ideal community land, and what is happening at the locations I visited, is already happening right now with me and my place in our tribe. Honestly, I feel very loved and supported by not only the people I met this weekend, but also by my tribe in Indiana. Every drop of whatever you sent reached me and I do not know how to express my gratitude as much as I’d like to sometimes. Perhaps simply experiencing it is enough though, as I will naturally strive to return the love and do my part in supporting others in their own journeys. I may slack at communication sometimes, or taking time out to make that call, or write that letter, but I thank thee for scarcely noticing and instead just giving me a ring. (thank you grammie, for calling me on mother’s day, it was a nice surprise, even though backwards perhaps)

Really, it’s all there. I simply forget that sometimes and do indeed feel disconnected, but by my own accord. I had been feeling that way for a week or two, and this got my ass right back on line. This weekend, everyone one of the gifts, conversations, shelters, and everything else, shimmered and made me smile. In that package, the old tape player, with no tape in it, and the audio cassette case, also with no tape in it, is kinda curious and really seems like something that I’d do, but I’ll take it for what it is and find some tapes around to play. From sweets to awesome shirts, ceramic art to books about revolution, it was just what the doctor ordered. Lnor, you slay me. I thank you for getting this together and making me one of the coolest shirts that ever was. You are all legendary and people think of Indianapolis differently now.

I think I may be able to go back and trim this up a tad, simplify it, eliminate redundancies, ect., but I won’t. This is what I woke up and wrote and I’ll let it stand even though it is more in line with my rambling journaling style than anything else. By the way, this isn’t even half of what really happened….I’ll save the rest for later….

Current Music is The Beatles “Across the Universe”

Ski-don’t

Last day of the ski season, and my first day on the slope ever. Having a free VIP season pass, boots, and skis from my workplace, I figured I’d be a fool not have a go. Not knowing anyone else heading up that way, I just went ahead and trucked up there myself. It helps that today was the warmest of the year so far, a wonderful high 60’s in town, and nearly that warm at the base of the mountain.

First run on the green/easiest slope I only ate it three or four times. Later runs got progressively better, until I was not falling at all. Since the lift takes so long, and the time coming down relatively short, I figured I better head further up the mountain, on the secondary lift. I thought there would be another green run….there wasn’t. I also ran into a co-worker up there, which isn’t a good sign I thought, as they really are a skier. No way down but down though, and my previous crashes only left me laughing and with a swollen lip. I start heading towards the blue/intermediate path, and I fall before the run even starts…..another bad sign. So on I go, and start reaching scary speeds quite quickly. I had practiced the “pizza slice” thing where you point the tips together, thus slow down…..but that wasn’t working. Another way to slow down would be to kinda curve and make turns, but that only made me that much more instable as I didn’t really know “how” to turn (not to suggest that I even know “how” to ski.) I eat it a few more times, clip back in, laugh it off and keep going. But then the big one comes, I get shaky again and at that speed there isn’t much chance for recovery. I’m not too sure what happened, but suddenly my ski comes up and socks me in my chin, I see lights (blue lights actually) and then I am laid out, both skis and poles strewn about. Someone yells to ask if I’m okay, and as I say “yes” I look down and see red snow. I also taste blood. I finish off that run, have a few more goes at the green one again and call it a day. Several hours later, and it was still slowly bleeding, and there were pieces of fat still coming out of the hole. It really didn’t hurt that badly, so I shrugged it off and put some goopy antibacterial stuff on it. As big as the hole was though, I figured I oughta ask my neighbor, who is a doctor, about it. His initial reaction told me all I needed to know. An hour later and we were sitting in his office, which is obviously normally closed on Sunday nights, and he was pokin’ me with needles. Three stitches and good as new.

At least the only thing I got wasn’t a goofy sunburn I ’spose. I’ve also got a funny story, and a hole in my beard now. It was a blast though, and I’d rather leave my blood on the mountain than a $100 in the resort’s register. End of the day reflection: I am most happy about not biting off my tongue, as the tip of it was in between my teeth as I took the hit, and it’s looking (and feeling) pretty bad.

Here’s a before and after for fun:

山伏

I came here to leave a greater warrior. I want people to ask themselves who in the world trained this guy. I want to know that, without a doubt, no other program has shit on the Yamabushi.

Where am I now? Am I able to say that I/we are on course?

Spring is a time of transition, of growth. Let’s see what comes….Nay, let’s create our wildest dreams-Now.

The 41st

I will allow these two quotes from Montana’s Governor to partially express why I am proud to currently be residing in this fine state, they are from this article regarding the current RealID standoff between the Feds and the state:

“If it does come to a head, we’ve found it is best just to tell them to go to hell, and run your state the way you want to run your state,” Schweitzer told National Public Radio.

“This is another bluff from some bureaucrats in Washington D.C., and we live a long way from Washington D.C.,” Schweitzer said.

Till There Was You

“We’ve all read about the agricultural revolution about ten thousand years ago-when large groups of people in the Near and Middle East shifted permanently from hunter-gatherers to husbandry.  Many anthropologists and historians, as well as religious scholars, suggest that this transition was the felix culpa, or fall from grace, which led to the life of toil described in Genesis. Everything I’ve read suggest that members of hunter-gatherer cultures-even those alive today, who’ve been driven to the least hospitable regions of the planet such as deserts and dense jungles-work far less to support themselves than people living any other lifestyle. They work three to five hours a day. I’ve also read they feel closer to the rest of the world than we do, that they usually don’t see the world as a dangerous place of eternally warring opposites: me against you, man against woman, man against nature, God against all.” -Derrick Jensen, “A Language Older Than Words”

crackers

Two of my favorite pics from tracking days. A little old the pictures are, not as much snow here now.

‘S(now) Re: modal

Busy I’ve been. Work on the “off” days, work on the “on” days. But always: Easy, Like Sunday Morning. Typing has been set back as a priority, as tools generally occupy the space my hands hold. The new job as a bike wrench is pretty plush; flexbile hours, pretty cool cats, and lax work pace. Not nearly as cool as the ol’ BL, but several good similarities. But when it comes down to it, I’d rather be doing better things with my time than hanging out on the clock somewhere other than our church of skills, aka the shop. It has helped with the local networking however, which is something that I value quite highly, and was a secondary motivation for obtaining this job. Flintnapping has been the order of the day recently, and though one’s flesh is ideally scared by the finished point, I’m only scared by how oddly shaped mine are. But that being part of the process, I’m loving it.

A day or two after that long post written below, I got severely ill. The top of the stomach held a pain that did not move or change, except for when it got worse. That bad taste in my mouth that I mentioned gave me a belly ache. Towards the end of that three day period I was not able to take anything into the body, and was not able to do anything but be with the experience. Not able to sleep, I struggled to keep the breathe deep, slow, and intentional. I rolled back and forth, as bodily stillness would only accentuate the pain. As I reached about a 6/7 on my pain scale, and several hours into this climax, I got up to release bodily fluid. As I stood before the latrine, it helped trigger an urge to vomit, which I was quite happy about and had been hoping for. After one full purge, then pain started to subside slowly, and sleep came within a few hours. Selected foods the following day, and back to the grindstone.

Then came the birthday. That statement sounds ominous, but it was quite good. Thank you for the cards, gifts, calls, ect. I realize that about half of my friends don’t really know when my birthday is, or they don’t choose to acknowledge it. Which is okay, because I realize that I don’t actually know several of their’s either. I fixed pancakes for my housemates, took a nap in the sun, ate a great group meal at the other house (as another’s birthday was the 17th), and then a soak in the hot springs.

Really not much to say on that tip. And as I had planned on initiating what Mr. SS does and mention the current music I’m listening to, “nothing to say” by Soundgarden just came on.

Current Music: Soundgarden “Screaming Life/FOPP” ep